Kelp-a-Malt
All Skinny Folks Should Know About It
“And best of all, I feel swell!” It makes one wonder what was in this product (besides kelp), doesn’t it? If that poor, suffering little wisp of a girl ogling at her voluptuous friend had only minded her posture a little more, she may not have felt so bad.
I love perusing the old magazines from the ‘30's and ‘40’s, especially the advertising found therein which had little, if any, oversight to keep it within the boundaries of reality or verity. Even doctors endorsed Camels and Lucky Strikes, the nonfiltered type.
And then there were products like “Bile Beans, for perfect health and a lovely figure” with the visual testimony of a smiling, beautiful young blonde prancing in the summer sun. Bile beans?!! Doing a search for such healthful legumes quickly led me to the discovery that there was never such a thing in Nature, but naturally that fact didn’t stop the product from becoming an enormously successful patent medicine.
But I digress. I don’t mean to slight Kelp-a-Malt, which was also very successful. How could it not be with such powerful ads as that above? No doubt something in its list of ingredients helped to put pounds of new-you onto your frame, even up to five of them in just a week! But times change and their isn’t much of a market any more for something whose sole promise is to fatten you up.
Our ancestors had to be tough to get through their lives with such advertising pounding on their doors, exhorting them to be let in. But then I guess maybe things haven’t changed that much after all, have they? If you have someone in mind who would benefit from Kelp-a-Malt, just click HERE to show them why they were born too late!
More new NFTs to the San Francisco Doors collection. Take a look if such things interest you!
The 2-Sentence Novel
© David Ryan
Dusty Boots
The Kid threw his ruck into the back of the wagon.
(Photo ©2010 David Ryan)
He knew Big Floyd would get him into town before sundown.
Last Communion (22nd Installment)
©2008 David Ryan
Chapter 8
Earlier I alluded to various enhancements Adam (and the N’flem) have contributed to my heretofore modest physique. Adam has, over the time we have known each other, made me into quite another person physically than what I originally was. (I despair at anything being done with my personality.)
He spoke truly when he said he could enhance my survivability a great deal, because if he hadn't, neither of us would be here telling this story. I would have been an incredible liability to the old guy in my prior configuration, and even at that I've come close to biting the big one more times than I care to mention. As a team we have done well, however, and Adam says he is more than content with the new richness of his life since we hooked up. (I know of a few ladies whose eyebrows are arching about now.)
One of the first things he did was finish up the work on that little piece of circuitry originally implanted in my skull by the scumbags. He has carried that experiment much further than my old N’flem surgeon ever contemplated, to both our benefits. Adam can now not only locate me precisely, he can communicate with me with direct auditory and visual input and I can do the same with him, although I still have to use a kind of sub-vocalization to get my point across. It isn't telepathy, though if you were in the same room with us and didn't know any better, you'd think it was. This has proved immensely valuable and I can’t tell you how many times it has saved my ass. (Adam asks me to tell you that he, on the other hand, can indeed remember every time.)
The other rather amazing capability of this little implant is that it allows Adam to see and hear what I am seeing and hearing. This has been a magnificent boon to him. Now he can vicariously experience life on the surface of a planet, something that has always intrigued his kind but for obvious reasons has been denied them. A planet's surface may as well be another universe to him. And because of Adam's incredible abilities to detect life on the surface of a world and know exactly where I am at almost all times, it is extremely difficult for ne’r-do-wells to sneak up on me. And believe me, many have tried.
He has also turned me into quite the physical specimen, if I do say so myself. Manipulating the human physique was quite within the abilities of the N'flem, although they seldom did it for anything but experimental reasons and usually with ghastly results. Early in our partnership Adam told me he could pretty much optimize my agility, strength, reflexes, endurance and a couple of other things that maybe we'll discuss once the kiddies are in bed. I thought about it for about two seconds before signing on the bottom line.
It was a good decision. He has augmented my bones with a flexible but almost unbreakable material of his own concoction, connecting them and my musculature with ligaments and tendons about as strong as the best Kevlar cord. Then he taught my muscles to not only maintain their strength and suppleness but to pretty much take care of themselves, eliminating toxins and waste immediately and completely, and regenerating tissue automatically. He claims that if I die it will either be because I choose to or was distracted by a woman. Wise guy.
Of course I no longer wear glasses (my vision is enhanced and superb), and the range of my hearing is much greater than the typical human's. This has been somewhat of a drawback because I am now much pickier when it comes to the quality of my musical recordings, but for the most part I can't complain.
Now, I don't want you to think this was all a free ride. No way. I paid a price, a big one. Spending weeks recovering from his handiwork and then learning to use it all was not an easy ride, but I must confess that he has helped me there, too. I’m sure you would have willingly bought the same ticket. I think that if you have ever had a facelift you might consider it well within your discomfort limits.
The one thing I may have glossed over a little too readily are the psychological and emotional transformations that accompanied this makeover. Enough has happened (too many close calls) for me not to have reflected on just who I am now. Maybe I’ll get into it later but be assured I have indeed pondered it and am still not really sure how to describe what I’ve become. I hope by telling this story both you and I might gain some insight into that.
But right now I’d as soon get back to that story.
(More to come. . . but why wait? Buy the book HERE)